by fucking accident, ok?
i didn't know it was going to be like 80% burners. My friend invited me and i hadn't seen her in a long time since she moved away, so we agreed to meet there. Her ex boyfriend was helping to throw the party and he was performing there. He invited her and she didn't say much about it other than the fact that his band was playing. I never go anywhere so i was game for something social on a Saturday night, you know, to feel remotely like a normal person. I showed up looking sleek and classic in my new argyle sweater, body parts fully covered, hair still upswept from work....but for some reason, people still assumed i was a burner.

The first thing i encountered was a doorman wearing (you're not going to believe this) FURRY ASSLESS CHAPS, i kid you not. What else should he be wearing? My God, it was fucking perfect. The next thing i discovered was a full bar, all set up by people who obviously know how to set up a bar on a tiny folding table--they must have had at least forty bottles on that table along with the cups, ice and cash box...but still they were working it like pros. One thing i thought was nice was that someone had scored dozens of free bottled smoothies so i enjoyed one, thankful that they were sitting out in a freezing cold warehouse and not in the goddamn desert. I knew a few people there so it was ok that my friend hadn't arrived yet, but i still felt a little weird just standing there amidst so many boogying, happy people. So i wandered over to the dome tent, half-assuming it had to be some sort of public sex sideshow but i was pleasantly surprised. It was a creative zone in which they were encouraging people to come in and write a haiku, draw a picture, or whatever.

So i went in and grabbed a pen and paper, got comfy on the pillows and waited for the haiku to come. I remembered the ones i read here last year, some of which had actually made me wet my pants a little. I couldn't remember the one i'd written so i sat there, stumped, for quite a while. It was then that i noticed the two lesbians off to my right, all but humping each other. Ok, they _were_ humping each other. Nobody cared. Ahhh, i thought, staring out the door of the tent and imagining that i was looking out onto the Playa at night....so this is what it's like.
......................................................
I will never go
man in furry assless chaps
how fucking perfect

and in this dome tent
lesbos humping next to me
just like Burning Man!
......................................................

and i hung it up on a string with the other poems. It was the best i could do at the time. I was disappointed. I wanted to get my creative boner on. And miraculously, right then, two artists i know came into the tent and asked me if i wanted to "jam". They meant doing some collaborative drawings. I was excited to try it, because i have only recently started drawing again and need all the inspiration i can get. So we did three Exquisite Corpse drawings (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exquisite_corpse) and then a collaborative comic strip. I spent well over an hour doing that and didn't want to do anything else. Finally i got a whiff of the positive side of Burning Man, as i could see myself making art every day for a week out there--that's how i would get my rocks off, not drinking, not fucking, not blowing things up, but making art and drinking water. At that point i felt pretty happy to be there so i came out of the tent to go find my friend, who was happily chain-smoking with a crowd of people. She and i headed over to the bathroom and while in line, we played with the big spin wheel that had all sorts of commands written on it. I spun it, and it landed on "tell a secret to someone you don't know". So i picked the person right in front of me and told him something embarrassingly personal, in full detail. I don't know what got into me, i just let it fly. Does this mean i'm ready to fuck in public now?

I hope not. Looking around the dance floor i saw several couples oozing all over each other, and a stupidly hot guy with an afro up on a platform swinging his shirt around like a stripper, with a sweaty, half-naked chick feigning a blow job on him. All of these people had furry shit on, somewhere. There was even a furry couch, which i have to admit i liked. By this point the party was really going off, even though IMO the music really sucked. It was super cheesy generic rave music, but nobody seemed to care. They were howling for the DJ as if he were Bassnectar or some shit. I started counting fedoras, i found three, and surprisingly i didn't notice any cowboy hats. WTF is up with that? Must be a Republican conspiracy. I got hit on by five people; four males and one female. Two of those males i swore had to be gay. Mmmkay....the girl was nice but i wasn't in the mood. I was ready to go home.

I went and found my drawings and said goodbye to a few people, nearly got clocked by a hooper spinning the thickest, heaviest hoop i've ever seen. The dumb-ass was hooping right in front of the exit with a black hoop which was invisible under so many blacklights. Everyone is in their own little world, it seems. I was definitely in mine while immersed in drawing in the tent. Of my experience i would say it was 60% fun/inspiring and 40% annoying as hell. For the most part i'd rather stay home and make art than endure the 40% annoying part, which of course is why i've never been to Burning Man.

the end.
m7